Can Your Marriage Survive Infidelity?

Can Your Marriage Survive Under Infidelity?

The problem of infidelity and cheating of spouses is everywhere. You hear about the problem of infidelity and cheating of spouses frequently in the media and have seen the marriages of friends or relatives that have been devastated by affairs. It's no surprise that many couples internally ask the question, "How would I Cope with such a situation if it were to happen to you. It's particularly common to also wonder if your own marriage could survive such a serious betrayal. 

It's called betrayed because trust is no where to be found and the person you used to know is not longer the person. Doubt has come in because trust and commitment is been denied.

According to Dr. Harriet Lerner in one of her books titled “Will Your Marriage Survive the affair” She writes, “ Keep in mind that an affair is not a terrible aberration that only occurs in unhappy marriages. It's a myth that the “real reason” behind an affair is a faulty spouse or bad marriage. Infidelity in marriage could be a result of one one spouse faulty or bad marriage.

Your marriage can definitely survive infidelity, this can only happen if you consider the following cordial facts:

• It's not easy to bear
• It real hurt
• Anger, Tears and Depression will definitely be there
• To get this resolve, it will real take time to heal
• It will take a decision to build the trust again
• It will take the cheater taking responsibility and not blaming his/her spouse for the affair
• It will take the “victim” also taking responsibility for underlying problem in the marriage
• It will take you courage
• It will also require your commitment from both of you to save your marriage

It is true that a marriage can survive an extra-marital affair. This will truly only happen if both partners are willing to acquire and use the skills necessary to making their marriage successful.

Developing a new way of interacting requires you both to:

• You both must have deep and meaningful conversations
• You must express underlying vulnerable emotions
• Temper defensiveness, blame, denial
• You must explore your underlying patterns or "vicious cycles" of communication
• You must be willing to forgive hurts
• You must be completely honest
• You must look at emotional baggage that may have gotten you to this place

Some feelings that are prominent when a couple experiences cheating in their marriage include:

• Shame
• Guilt
• Blame
• Anger
• Hurt
• Disappointment
• Rage
• Embarrassment
• Forgiveness
• Jealousy
• Lust
• Resentment
• Denial
• Mis-trust

Some Marriages Should Not Be Saved

Your marriage can survive this onslaught of feelings. However, some marriages are not meant to be saved. If the infidelity is one of many symptoms of domestic violence and/ or emotional abuse in your relationship you will never feel safe enough to work through your problems. These are very entrenched issues that are often not changeable.

It is challenging for the betrayed partner to know if he or she can give the spouse a 'second chance' If the infidelity was a one-time event, this is also quite different than someone with a pattern of ongoing cheating.

If your spouse is a serial cheater, it may be time to throw in the towel. There are other positive signs to look for such as the spouse showing remorse, showing clear actions that the affair has ended. The spouse can also be extremely transparent by supplying account passwords, allowing an app or GPS tracking, taking a lie-detector or be willing to sign a post-nuptial agreement. These suggestions might not work for everyone, but they are worth a consideration in the short-term while trying to work through infidelity.